Wrestling with BAD and Winning
BY PETER SMITH LARSEN
INTRODUCTION
I wrestled at Timpview High School in Provo and won a State Championship in Freestyle Wrestling and placed 3rd and and TIED FOR 1ST WITH MATT DUCE OF LOGAN, 3-3, 0-0 in High School Wrestling in the State of Utah. I wrestled for 4 years and was Junior Varsity as a Freshman and Varsity for the other 3 years. I was pinned many times as a Freshman probably due to inexperience and the fact that I weighed 90 lbs and had to wrestle guys who outweighed me by 8 lbs. at least, as the lowest weight was 98 lbs., and many who wrestled at 98 pounds when they weighed in but had lost several pounds on average for the weigh-in. You had to weigh 98 lbs at weigh-in or you could not wrestle, so many guys sweated in a sauna or ran or wrestled until they lost several pounds in weight and then afterward, they would drink juice or a sports drink to replace lost electrolytes. By the way, I only saw one girl wrestle in all my 4 years and that was in Green River Tournament in Wyoming. She lost, so I didn't have to wrestle her. I didn't like the idea of wrestling a girl. So, I often wrestled guys who outweighed me by 8 lbs. Therefore, they had an advantage over me, all other things being equal such as strength, quickness and experience. The other 3 years I was never pinned and I won more matches each year. I think I would have won the State Championship in 4A High School Team Wrestling my Senior Year but I hurt my leg and so I wrestled injured and because I could not run my excellent conditioning was compromised, so I lost two matches I would have won, uninjured. So I took 5th place. My junior year, I took 3rd in the state in High School Wrestling. At least I won a State Championship in Freestyle Wrestling (individual wrestling). I beat 3 High School State Champions to win the gold medal or 1st place. The things I learned from wrestling can be compared to life, my life or your life. So you, like me, can learn how not to be pinned and ultimately win a State Championship in the wrestling match we could call Life. Now, in wrestling, there are several terms I would like to explain to you in case you are not familiar with wrestling and I will explain the differences between Freestyle and High School Wrestling as well, so that I can apply both types of wrestling to life and hilight how you can emerge victorious over BAD. I will explain the terms basic to wrestling in Chapter 1 of this book. Hopefully what I learned can help you, so that victory can be yours in your own personal match with the negative beings called Satan (The Devil) and his angels and do so with the Savior Jesus Christ and his angels or you might also say, through Our Heavenly Father and all the prophets born on this earth, be they Biblical Prophets, Book of Mormon Prophets or Modern Day Prophets like Joseph Smith, Ellen White (Seventh-Day Adventists Prophetess) and The Living Prophet Thomas S. Monson. Most of all, The Greatest Prophet of all, our Redeemer Jesus Christ and His Church in these Latter-Days, even The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and also his Church of Jesus Christ of Former Days, led by The Mortal Messiah and the Apostles and Prophets He called and elected, with a long period of centuries, The Great Apostasy or The Dark Ages, though some true Christians persevered even though the Church was replaced by an apostate church, with Popes and Emperors (Beginning with Constantine The Great) instead of Apostles and Prophets, a closed canon instead of The Rock of Revelation, Peter being the last Prophet and John the Revelator banished to Patmos and continual revelation ceased until Joseph Smiths First Vision in 1820, in which he saw God The Eternal Father and His Son Jesus Christ. The Reformation of Martin Luther and others having prepared the way for The Restoration of The Gospel. Having set the ultimate help of The Godhead (The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost) , I will resume writing about the Wrestling Match I call life, having established that Christ is the only sure way to succeed and without Him, we are lost sheep, although all is not lost. The Good Shepherd will leave the the "Ninety and Nine" and go to seek and find the one who is lost. The key then is to follow the Promised Messiah Jesus Christ and hold to the iron rod or The Word of God.
CHAPTER 1 "I HOPE THINGS
WILL ONLY GET BETTER”
I was born on May 31st, 1967. 10 minutes later, my identical twin brother James was born. I grew up being dressed the same when I was a baby and people couldn't tell us apart. We switched places sometimes and nobody knew the difference. The only way people could tell the difference was if they compared our faces and they would say one of us had an oval face and one of us had a round face. I attended Rock Canyon Elementary and excelled in Flag Football. Our team won 1st place in the city of Provo 3 years in a row. I went to Timpview High School where I was a State Champion Freestyle Wrestler and also placing 3rd and 5th place on my high school wrestling team in the State of Utah, also placing 1st in my region as a junior when I placed 3rd. I wrestled at 105 lbs as a sophomore, 112 lbs as a junior and 119 lbs as a Senior. I won the Freestle State Championship between my junior and senior wrestling seasons at 112 lbs, beating 3 Utah High School Champions in the process. I earned a National Merit Scholarship and BYU made it a full-ride scholarship for 4 years. I also excelled in Spanish, being chosen as Student of the Year. I planned to wrestle at BYU but 3 days into my studies of my freshman year, I got run over by a full-size yellow school bus while riding my bicycle down the "Death Strip" (9th East in Provo), which provides little space for cyclists riding next to autos, and almost no space at all for a large truck or a bus in the same lane as cyclists , on the way to my classes at BYU. I suffered a broken pelvis with fractures in six places, a shattered right femur, a severed urethra, a lacerated colon and a ruptured bladder. My loving mom visited me every day while I was in the hospital, to her credit but after I got engaged to a Mexican girl named Paty, things changed. I went to court after the collision and received $100,000.00. I lost the case but since the other side knew it was the bus-drivers fault (His name was Hollis Johnson and he admitted to me in the hospital that the collision was his fault but when we went to court, he changed his story.), they made a proposal that if I won, I would get a maximum of $400,000, and if I lost, I would get a minimum of $100,000.00. Colonial Penn, the insurance company, won the case based on Hollis Johnson's lie. The money I settled for paid my hospital bill of $60,000 dollars, the lawyer Brent Young (Who was like a father to me and gave me lot's of good advice about how people would say I wasn't disabled because I didn't look disabled) and left me with only $20,000.00, an inadequate amount which only lasted a couple of years. Colonial Penn also got my orthopedic doctor, one Douglass Schow, to testify and say that I had fully recovered from the broken pelvis and I would be "just fine", with no limitations. He was wrong. My lawyer Brent Young hired one Charles Smith, another orthopedic doctor with many more years experience than "Scowl", who took many x-rays and so I discovered the truth, that I was partially disabled. "Scowl" was wrong. Plus, he broke my trust, testifying against his own patient! I learned that if I had had Dr. Smith as my doctor, he would have put pins or screws in my pelvis so that it would heal better. I had the wrong doctor. "Scowl" was just too inexperienced. I wasn't "just fine". Despite Dr. Schow's wrong diagnosis, I had a disability of 60% of normal, and it has gotten worse over the years, making me eventually limit the sports that I once spent hours a day playing. I can still play tennis (I cannot run all over the court), soccer (I have to be the goalie), football (I have to be the quarterback) and basketball (I can only play half-court) before the accident, I ran a 5min-`10sec mile. After, I could only run a 7min15sec mile. Now, I can't run, so instead, I use a Gazelle Fitness Equipment inside and a wheelchair outside. So, I'm transitioning toward using a wheelchair all the time. At present, I need one to go shopping or when I'm at UVU, because I can't walk for 30min without pain. Now, since can't run like I did in high school anymore, I devote more time to music and song-writing. So, when the door was closed for me as far as my former good health goes, another door opened for me, so I have partially replaced playing sports with music.)
Before I continue, I would like to announce that in 2017, I found the cure for my depression! First, I found Essential Living Foods Superfood Smoothie with Goji and Acai berries. I took it from 2017 to 2021, when they discontinued it and replaced it with another product that they said was the same, Superfood Immunity Smoothie, I found out after a few months that it didn't work well enough. So, I switched to Sun Food Superfood Smoothie and it works even better than the Superfood Smoothie I took from 2017-2021. I started out with the original Sunfood Superfood Smoothie but switched to the chocolate flavor, which has all the same ingredients but tastes better, at least for me.
Thus began, a series of depression which worsened over the years. I got depressed after the accident during the 3 months I spent in the hospital but when I was able to walk again, I shook off the depression. But I continued to have episodes of depression which grew longer each time. I was called to serve an LDS mission to The California Ventura Mission, Spanish speaking, in 1986. There, I became fluent in Spanish and people said that I spoke as a native. In 1989, I went to BYU Study Abroad to Puebla, Mexico where I met a girl named Paty and became engaged but suffered a blocked colon and they had to remove 50 centimeters (10 inches) of my colon. My mom and sister came to Mexico to care for me and bring me home. I suffered a longer episode of depression after I returned to Provo following the operation. I think the operation caused the 3 months of depression because I couldn't digest my food as well as before and this caused depression to strike me earlier than my twin. I broke up with Paty because of my mom's interference. She did not want me to marry someone of another race. She wrote a nasty letter to Paty. She told Paty that she shouldn't marry me because I was mentally ill and even worse, she said she would "never accept her as a daughter-in-law" and would "treat our children as second-class citizens". Paty asked me to translate the letter. I translated it because I thought that if she truly loved me, she would ignore the letter and she thought that if I truly loved her I would protect her and not translate it. So, we broke up im January of 1990. After a year-and-a-half, I traveled to Puebla to try and convince Paty to marry me. I didn't want to regret that I didn't try one last time. But she said it was "too late". Then her friend Elizabeth told me she had fallen in love with me while I was dating Paty but didn't say anything because Paty and I were a couple. But when Paty rejected me, Elizabeth told me about her feelings for me. I decided I would date her and we became boyfriend-girlfriend. I came back to see if we could date and maybe get married but her father separated us. He wouldn't let me talk to her and said she didn't love me anymore. So, I said I wouldn't leave until Elizabeth said so. Then, she came out of their house and said she didn't love me anymore. Later on, before I went back to Provo, I saw her at church and she told me she still loved me but her father threatened her and struck her and said he would send her away to Chihuahua to break us up. So, her father forced her to say she did not love me even though she did. So, I failed twice in Puebla and I have never been back. After that, I started dating latinas exclusively. I found that the white girls I dated were dishonest and so were the latinas who had been americanized, except for two white girls: Charlotte Olson, who was my 1st kiss and DeAnn Nelsen. Charlotte moved from Provo to Salt Lake. She stood me up and didn't call me and explain why. I called her the next day and she said it was too hard to travel an hour so we broke up. She might have been my first girlfriend otherwise. DeAnn fell in love with me but I did not reciprocate. Her sister said I broke her heart. I did not mean to hurt her but I didn't love her. She was the last white girl I dated. I left the Pleasant View 7th Singles Ward and started going to the Provo 33 Spanish Ward.
Latinas were much nicer. They told the truth. If they didn't love you or want to keep dating, they told you so, and they stayed friendly. The white girls I dated would lie to me. They said they were busy when they weren't. They would say they just wanted to be friends and never spoke to me again. Finally, after 3 years since Paty's final rejection, I met my wife Alicia. We were married in The Mexico City Temple December 16, 1995. My mom tried to interfere. When we started getting serious, she told me I would have to break up with Alicia or I would have to move out of my parent's home. I wasn't going to let her break us up like she did with Paty, so I moved out. I broke off communication with her until we were married. I still spoke to my wonderful dad on the phone. Before this, my mom and dad showed me some [BAD] advice from the Prophet Spencer W Kimball, in which he said "The interrace marriage Problem[?] is not one of inferiority or superiority. It may be that your son is better educated and may be superior in his culture, and yet it may be on the other hand that she is superior to him. It's a matter of backgrounds. The difficulties and hazards of marriage are greatly increased where backgrounds are different . . . . When one considers marriage, it should be an unselfish thing, but there is not much selflessness when two people of different races plan marriage. They must [?] be thinking selfishly of themselves. They certainly are not considering the problems that will beset each other and that will beset their children." (What about "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" or Nephi " All are alike unto God, BLACK OR WHITE! Or Michael Jackson's song "(It doesn't matter if you're) Black or White". Or "Ebony and Ivory" by Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder?) "If your son says he loves this girl, he would not want to inflict upon her loneliness and unhappiness; and if he thinks his affection for her will solve all her problems, he should do some more mature thinking. We are unanimous, all of the Brethren, in feeling and recommending that Indians marry Indians, and Mexicans marry Mexicans, the Chinese marry the Chinese, the Japanese marry the Japanese, the Caucasians marry the Caucasians, and the Arabs marry the Arabs." (Teachings of Spencer W Kimball, p. 302-3). I said I thought times had changed and I was still going to marry Alicia. My mom said she wouldn't accept us us. My dad said he didn't approve but he would accept us. And he did, from 1995-January 2011, the year he died. My mom didn't accept us for many years but I think she changed eventually. She never told me she had changed but she was friendlier to my daughters. Unfortunately, she never reconciled herself with them. She died estranged from them and me. After she died in November of 2020, Alicia said she dreamed that my mom told her, "I accept you." I stopped visiting my mom in April of 2020 and I never heard from her again. I wrote her letters but she never answered them. This was because she approved of my brother Joe and his wife Teresa disowning me for something I did in 1995. After I reminded her of it, she said, "You should never speak to them again!" (Details further on)
Although I believe Spencer W. Kimball was a prophet, I do not agree with him about inter-racial marriage. Maybe it was true in his generation but it isn't anymore. The following is a quote about his opinion about marrying another race. My parents even showed it to me to discourage me from marrying Alicia. But, I married her anyway.
"The interrace marriage problem is not one of inferiority or superiority. It may be that your son is better educated and may be superior in his culture, and yet it may be on the other hand that she is superior to him. It is a matter of backgrounds. The difficulties and hazards of marriage are greatly increased where backgrounds are different. . . .
When one considers marriage, it should be an unselfish thing, but there is not much selflessness when two people of different races plan marriage. They must be thinking selfishly of themselves. They certainly are not considering the problems that will beset each other and that will beset their children.
If your son thinks he loves this girl, he would not want to inflict upon her loneliness and unhappiness; and if he thinks that his affection for her will solve all her problems, he should do some more mature thinking.
We are unanimous, all of the Brethren, in feeling and recommending that Indians marry Indians, and Mexicans marry Mexicans; the Chinese marry Chinese and the Japanese marry Japanese; that the Caucasians marry the Caucasians, and the Arabs marry Arabs." (President Spencer W. Kimball, “The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball,” p. 302-3
This may have been true for his generation but my generation doesn't care if you are black or white or any other color. (Search Michael Jackson song on Youtube "Black or White") We won't care about color in Heaven. Education won't matter either. Most of the world educators believe a lot of nonsense which will prove to be wrong when they have their spiritual memory renewed. The more earthly education one gets, the more less likely it is that they will even believe in God. Many are atheists! Spiritual Education is all that really matters. Degrees won't matter in Heaven. Economic situations won't even be applicable. Even Jesus taught that the rich usually don't follow the gospel. (See Matthew 19:20-26) For every John Tanner shown in the short film "John Tanner, Treasures in Heaven", there are a 100 people like the young man who would not sell all he had and give it all to the poor and follow Jesus. Jesus said to lay up treasures in Heaven and not treasures on earth. (See Matthew 6: 19-21) John Tanner went from rich to poor, all for the gospel. He saved the Kirtland Temple from foreclosure. If his marriage was based on being rich, his wife would have left him when he became poor. The common denominator was faith in the gospel.
(Details) Joe was really nice to me. He hired me part time to work for him filing papers and as a receptionist. He is a Certified Public Accountant (hereafter CPA). Then he hired me full-time to write to his clients and do minor accounting. He gave me 2 raises. He even payed for me to take an accounting class at Steven Henegars College. Unfortunately, I am not good at math. So bad, in high school I said to my dad, "I hate math!" My dad was a math professor at BYU. He said, "If you hate math, you hate me." I got better at BYU. I took Business Calculus. I got an A and my dad was flabbergasted. In high school, the only A I got in math was in Geometry. I found that I do better in applied math. I do not understand just figures. So, Joe gave me simple tax returns to do. I made lots of errors. I should have quit. I should have told him "I'm not good at accounting." But I stayed and that's when things went south. I was taking lithium for bipolar disorder but it didn't control mania like Clozapine and Lamictal do. I became manic. First, Joe dropped my raise. Then we had an argument. Joe told me "Don't bite the hand that feeds you!" it got worse and Joe had to fire me. I picketed outside his business. He said to stop it or he would call the police. Before he fired me, I copied the list of his clients and hid it outside. Then, at the peak of mania, I wrote a letter to all his clients claiming he was bipolar like me. He was, kind of. I told him about lithium and he tried it. Lithium is for bipolar so he may have it. He said it helped with his seasonal depression. if he was bipolar, he had better control of mania than me. He has never done bad things like I did when I wrote his clients. He would get mad at people and then would avoid them, like he has me since 1995. That isn't good but it is better than confronting and attacking like I did!
Don't be like my oldest brother Joe and his wife Teresa, who never forgive someone who offends them. They won't go to my birthday parties and they won't ever talk to me, not even hello. I would send them an invitation but they wouldn't come. They wouldn't invite me to Joe's parties either. I invited them for the last time on May 31, 2018. I didn't send them an invitation only. When they didn't RVSP as requested, I called them but they wouldn't answer the phone (I found out later they were home). So, I left them a message but they never answered me. So, for the 4th and final time, I left an invitation on their door. They had a family member tell me to stop harrassing them. So, I gave up. I am not inviting them to future birthday parties. I wrote to Joe in 2020. I said I wouldn't invite them any more but if they would repent, they have an open invitation to come. Shortly thereafter, I got a nasty email from Joe by way of my brother John. It was the meanest email I have ever gotten. It said, "" since 1994, Joe and Teresa have disowned me. Teresa has never really talked to me since then. She did send me a letter in 1995 saying she didn't think [they] could ever trust me again. Joe has never have really talked to me, except 3 times many years ago. I offered to send apology letters to his clients to make up for those I sent, but he said no. I went to his office and I gave him my planner (The Spiritual Values Eternal Life Planner). I invited him to go bowling but he said "I don't feel comfortable" [going with you]. Later, I was at my mom's house visiting and he gave me back the planner and said something like "I don't want it". He also said he didn't want me to come to his office again. Since 1994, he stopped Your Father forgive inviting me to parties or other events such as birthday parties, baptisms, mission farewells, etc. Not even at family reunions, Thanksgiving and Christmas he won't soften his heart. Not only has he disowned me but he won't talk to me at all, NOT EVEN IN THE TEMPLE, the HOLIEST PLACE ON EARTH!! In March of this year, 2020, Alicia said she saw him in The Celestial Room in The [original] Provo Temple and he ignored us. He has heardened his heart more and more since 1995. He stands condemned before The Lord nor will he be forgiven until he forgives me. I have already forgiven him. I am just not trying to associate with him, Teresa and their children anymore because I can't get through to them. He was once an elder's quorum president but was not worthy because he won't forgive others. Neither is Teresa worthy to be a leader in her ward because she won't forgive others. I'm not the only one he won't forgive. He won't forgive my twin brother James, Curt Bramble nor Laura Blake, among many. The Lord has said "I The Lord will forgive whom I will forgive but of you it is required to forgive all men" (The Doctrine and Covenants, Section 64:10) and "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, Your Heavenly Father will also forgive your trespasses: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will Your Father forgive you!" (Matthew 6:14-15) The Apostle John taught: "If a man say I love God but hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brotherwhom he hath seen, how can he love God, whom he hath not seen? And this commandment we have from Him, that he who loveth God love his brother also." (1 John 4:20-21) I think my brother Joe and Teresa hate me. I think Joe has said hello once in the last 10 years and only because I said hello first and it was in public, so I think he felt obligated to do so, so he wouldn't look bad. But in private, they pretend I am not there. When my mom died, Teresa actually asked how I was doing for the first time in 20 years. It shocked me and I didn't know what to say. At family reunions or birthdays, they laugh and talk to others but totally ignore me. It's as if they don't even see me. Sometimes, they don't even come or if they come, they leave early. At our 3 day 2021 Larsen Reunion, they only came one evening and left, not even staying overnight. I think it's because of me. My uncle died and Joe and Teresa didn't come. We had a get-together with our Smith cousins and they didn't come.
I met Maria Alicia Urbano Mendoza in May of 1994. I was living with my parents then. My mom said I had to stop dating Alicia or move out. I was determined not to let my mom interfere again, like she did with Paty, so I moved out. When I said I was planning to marry Alicia, my mom and dad showed me in a book containing some of the Teachings of the Prophet Spencer W Kimball where in a talk he gave, he said that it was selfish to marry someone of another race because your children would not be accepted. He also said the rich should marry rich, poor should marry poor and learned should marry learned. My mom said she would never accept our marriage and my dad said he didn't approve but would support our decision. I used to be my mom's favorite but when I started dating latinas, I became the least favorite. I used to agree with her criticisms of my dad but when she made me the black sheep of the family, my dad who was my least favorite became my favorite. I could always count on my dad until he became ill with stage four colon cancer and died. Before he died, he said, "I had great hopes for you!!" I hope I live to achieve his hopes for me. As for my mom, I think she changed since serving a mission among the blacks in The Mississippi Jackson Mission with my dad, she isn't the same as she once was. Sometimes I could even count on her but other times she tured against me. Joe, Becky and Rachel are now among the favorites. Sometimes I am and other times I am not. In March of 2020, when I told her about my sending letters to Joe's clients, she said it was terrible and I should stay away from Joe for life. She went to Joe and Teresa's every Sunday for dinner and was obviously on Joe's side. I thought she would say 26 years of holding a grudge was too long! She has visited me once since Alicia and me got married and divorced, when I was living with James some 3 years ago. She visited everyone else except James and I. I don't know if she visited my developmentally disabled brother Mark. As far as I know, she didn't. My dad used to bring him home every week. Now, my sister Becky does (and her husband Charles).
I did not agree. I thought I would have the best of both worlds. Everything of both our cultures that agreed with the gospel could be accepted and everything that did not agree could be rejected. The Book of Mormon says "All are alike unto God, black and white, rich and poor, bond and free.... (2 Nephi 26:33)!! My bishop married a Mexican girl of another race. He supported the relationship of Alicia and I. Times have changed. Thousands of white americans have married Iatinas! Alicia was born in Mexico City. We met in May of 1994 and we were married in the Mexico City Temple on December 16, 1995. About a year later, our first daughter, Paola Vanesssa Urbano Mendoza, was born. Then 3 1/2 years later, we had a second daughter, Karina Angelica Urbano Larsen. Meanwhile, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and had a manic episode and got fired from my job working for my brother as an accountant because I became very difficult to get along with because of mania and I sabotaged his business, after he was forced to fire me, by writing letters to all his clients telling them I was bipolar and that he was too. (He wasn't) But in my mania I lost control and thus my close relationship with my older brother was damaged so much that to this day, he rarely speaks to me or visits me and he used to a lot. I started taking lithium and it leveled out my mood somewhat. After 8 years of work at diverse jobs, I returned to BYU, which I had quit because of depression and received a Bachelor's Degree in Spanish in August of 2001. After this, I got depressed and overdosed on lithium. I was hospitalized for some time and after all medications failed to help me, from Asendin to Zoloft, I agreed to have Electro Shock Therapy. After 8 treatments, the Shock Therapy caused memory loss and severe migraines but it did little to help me. I got back on lithium and was able to work one last time, then I decided to start my own business called FRIENDS & AMIGOS. Due to episodes of mania, I got myself into debt and was unable to be successful. The episodes of depression got worse with time as did the mania. I tried other drugs than Lithium but they didn't work. I was hospitalized for depression a few times. Then I had a manic episode that led to my separation from my wife. Then I built a lake in the yard of my apartment and due to flooding the basement, I was evicted while hospitalized for mania, where the Provo Police took me for treatment. My sister put my stuff in storage. Episodes of mania and depression followed and I was hospitalized several times. I continued separated from my wife. After 2 years, I gave up on her and started dating a girl while still being married. So my wife divorced me. I met the girl at the hospital where we both had manic episodes at the same time and planned to divorce our spouses and date each other. I then had a change of heart after the divorce and regretted agreeing to get divorced , as did my ex-wife. I was depressed for 3 years but mildly, as the lithium helped me be stable enough to start 2 businesses, ACTFORU and SAVE U, which I failed to develop due to depression episodes. Meanwhile, I was referred to a treatment program called Lakeview. They had daily classes and weekly activities such as going bowling or going to Boondocks or to Crystal Hot Springs, near Brigham City. We also had yearly vacations together. I enjoyed Lakeview and was disappointed that Medicaid decided not to fund it anymore. So all of the Lakeview members were referred to Wasatch House Clubhouse. At first I didn't like it, because it didn't have classes scheduled all day like the structure of Lakeview but I soon was inspired by the Career Unit to write up a resume. I tried to get work but had bad luck because of my spotty job history. So, I came up with the idea at Clubhouse of starting a multi-cultural website and I have maintained it for almost 9 years, (it is www.utahcultures.20m.com). Clubhouse has helped me deal with the illness a little and work around it as best as possible. I still get depressed and manic but I try to control the illness and not let it control me. Recently,I heard from my psychiatrist about Q-96, a natural supplement that helps treat bipolar disorder better than drugs. I am going to take a leap of faith and dedicate until my ex-wifes birthday on November 20th to trying Q-96. Hopefully by then, I will be feeling much better. If it doesn't work, I don't know what I will do. This is my last hope. I must face a life of misery otherwise. So, I am going to take a leap of faith and hope for the best. I plan to further develop my website and have a sole proprietorship that will work around my illness. After 2 months of Q-96, I wasn't feeling as good as I had hoped. By coincidence, I came across a book titled Lifting Depression: The Chromium Connection. I found the author's website www.malcolmmcleodmd.com and came across the account of someone who was bipolar and was able to switch from Lithium to Chromium. The testimonial given states that after several weeks, he felt better. So I decided to try it in addition to Q-96. After about 3 weeks, I am feeling like normal for the first time in years. I say "It's a Miracle!" Today, I am feeling good for the second time this week. I hope this continues. Today is May 29, 2015.
Recently, (2015?) I was saddened that Robin Williams, whom I had been told I looked like, committed suicide. I believe he had bipolar disorder and the severe depression part of the disorder, along with early stage Parkinson's Disease, was too much for him. He was a very talented actor and comedian. The world is a better place because of him. Ironically, he was in a movie about a suicide case (his movie wife committed it) whom the protagonist had to rescue from her failure to realize where she was or who he was. I would like to think that there are those in The Spirit World who will do for the real-live Robin Williams what he did for his wife in that movie ("What Dreams May Come"). If I can find a way to contact his family and get permission to do a baptism for the dead for him, as I really want the best for him (Especially since I was said to look like him - I wish that I had been able to meet Robin in this life.). I believe that Robin Williams was a saint and a good example for many and God The Father and His Son Jesus Christ will have mercy on him and bring him to Paradise where he will make everyone laugh. I will make it my first priority to meet him when I die and tell him how much I admired his talent. He was unique and original. I plan to ask his family for permission to be baptized for the dead one year after his death, if I can find a way to contact them. If I am not able to, I will seek him out when I die. No matter what happens, I plan to endure to the end. As for my ex-wife, we are still friends and if I can remain stable, I may be able to get remarried with her. Regardless, she has said she doesn't want to destroy our Temple Marriage and if she marries someone else, she will only do so for this life only and when I am free from bipolar disorder after this life, we will be together again. However, it is my hope that I will be able to get remarried to her. I hope to learn from past mistakes to handle mania and depression better, and try Q-96, a natural supplement especially geared toward treating Bipolar Disorder. If it works, I will probably get back with my ex-wife. I just will hope for the best!!! I had thought to get a full-time job but I realized that with my brain malfunction, I would not be able to do so. So, I decided to take Q-96 until my Eternal Wife's birthday on November 20th. Now, I plan to add Chromium to my regimin, especially Chromax, recommended by the author. Hopefully I will be feeling normal and will be able to work full-time once again after many years working part-time intermittently or working on my website. I hope to get help from Voc. Rehab., so I can study Web Design. There's a waiting list so until I qualify for that, I will spend my time developing this website. I will study Web Design on my own by studying and doing practice web design with textbooks that I got when I was looking into web design but got derailed by depression. (November 29, 2021) Q-96 didn't work but in 2017, Alicia introduced me to Essential Living Food's Organic Superfood Smoothie with Goji and Acai Berries. I took 2 Tablespoons, twice a day, morning and night.It worked for 4 years. Then they stopped making it. By accident, I tried combining 2 other Smoothies they have and it seems to work better than the original one. They are Organic Supergreens Protein Smoothie With Moringa and Wheatgrass and Organic Superfood Immunity Smoothie with Probiotics, Superfruits and Minerals. I take 1 Tablespoon of each, twice a day. All 3 are Organic!!!
Before Alicia found Essential Living Foods, I would get depressed every year for 8 months, then normal for a month and manic for 3 months. Now I no longer get very depressed. I have mania controlled by meds. I take a combination of Clozapine and Lamictal. That seems to work well. So basicly, I no longer have severe depression or severe mania. I am moving on in life. I am going to Utah Valley University. I am studying coding for websites, web design and app development.
Now, I will explain what specific terms means and also what High School Wrestling and Freestyle Wrestling are like. Greco-Roman Westling is beyond my scope of experience, so I will just refer to High School Wrestling and Freestyle Wrestling. NCAA Division 1 Wrestling has additional terms such as "riding time" but as I never wrestled in College, I won't refer to the Colleges and Universities but stick to High School Wrestling. In High School Wrestling, both wrestlers begin in the center of the wrestling mat which is made of sponge rubber. The object is to take the opponent down to hands and knees with the one who scores the takedown behind and on top of the other wrestler. A takedown is worth 2 points. The person on bottom can reverse by going from being on bottom to being on top. A reversal is worth 2 points. If the person on bottom can escape and face their opponent in standing position, they earn an escape, which is worth 1 point. A match consists of 3 rounds, each of 2 minutes. If someone is on their back with both shoulder blades being in contact for 3 seconds in High School Wrestling or if both shoulder blades touch at the same time in Freestyle Wrestling, the person on top earns a pin and the match is over. The first round, both wrestlers begin facing each other in standing position. The second and third rounds, one wrestler is on top and behind the other, taking turns. By flipping a red and green "coin", the winner of the coin flip gets to pick when they want to be on top and then the other round, they are on bottom, or vice-versa. If you are on your back for less than 3 seconds, without both shoulderblades touching, you get 2 points. If you hold them on their back for more than 3 seconds, you get 3 points. If you get ahead by over 12 points, you score a technical pin. To score points for your team, you get 3 points if you win by a certain amount, 4 points for a major decision, 5 points for a technical pin and 6 points for a pin. In Freestyle, at least at the High School level, you don't score points as a team. You only wrestle for a win personally. Professional Wrestling is quite different. In High School and Freestyle Wrestling, you earn a win by maintaining control over the opponent. In "Professional" Wrestling, the better wrestler doesn't usually win. It's all a show. I believe that often the winner is already decided upon before the match. If you really want to see the best wrestlers in the world, watch the Olympics, either Greco-Roman or Freestyle.
CHAPTER 2 "A Leap of Faith"
I got some bad news on March 18 of 2015. My oldest daughter said she had low energy. Just this week, she has missed 3 consecutive days in a row of school. I am concerned and afraid that she might have inherited bipolar disorder from me. I have heard about a natural supplement called Q-96. I wasn't going to start taking it until I could find a part-time job sufficient in renumeration to buy it but now that I know that she feels low energy similar to that which I feel when I am depressed (I call it a Brain Malfunction when there is a chemical imbalance in the brain), Q-96 may not work but I'm going to give it a shot and hope it is a bullseye. I would prefer to take a risk and possibly end up homeless than languish in Depression or Low Energy for the rest of my life. I hope and pray that my Heavenly Father will guide me or if not, I will endure to the end, even if it means being homeless. I would rather try and fail than fail to try. So, beginning today, March 18, 2015, I will boldly go where I have never dared before. I will begin taking Q-96 from now on (March 20, 2015. I'd rather live a valiant life than continue laying in bed most of the morning and intermittently in the afternoon, on a regular basis. I will start getting on a regular schedule and prepare myself to get a full-time job for my benefit as well as my sweet daughter. I am going to LEAP OUT into the great unknown.
For many years, I have tried and failed to be miraculously healed of Bipolar Disorder. I'm going to do the best I can and hopefully soon I will find something that works, such as Q-96. I have felt deserted at times but I believe that Heavenly Father is there but I was sent here to be tested and maybe I will have to walk by faith and not have the visitation of an angel, like many of former days, including Joseph Smith. I may have to settle for faith that they saw what they said they did. I may have to wait until I go to Paradise in The Spirit World after I die. I know that they saw what they said they did because I am inspired when I read The Book of Mormon and The Doctrine and Covenants and read about heavenly manifestations had by the prophet Joseph Smith and ancient prophets and apostles. So, I may not have my wish to see an angel until I leave this mortal body and see angels in Paradise in The Spirit World.
Meanwhile, I will be faithful and true and place my trust in my Savior Jesus Christ and in my Heavenly Father and endure to the end. By so doing, I will qualify for Eternal Life, that by the Grace of God brought about by The Atonement of Jesus Christ, and my doing my part, I might be saved in The Celestial Kingdom and help my family to join me there, especially my ex-wife and two daughters.
CHAPTER 3, MY SUCCESS OR FAILURE
I SHALL USE THIS CHAPTER TO DOCUMENT MY SUCCESS (OR FAILURE) AT WRESTLING WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER AND/OR DEPRESSION. BEGINNING ON MARCH 24, 2015, I STARTED TAKING Q-96 AND FELT A LITTLE BETTER. HOPEFULLY, I WILL CONTINUE TO FEEL GOOD AND IF SO, I HAVE BEEN EMPOWERED BY Q-96. TIME WILL TELL. SINCE TAKING CHROMIUM IN MAY, I HAVE NOTICED CONTINUED IMPROVEMENT. I THINK THAT CHROMIUM IS FASTER ACTING THAN Q-96, BUT ONCE I HAVE DETERMINED IF CHROMIUM ALONE TREATS BIPOLAR DEPRESSION, THEN I WILL ALSO BEGIN ONCE AGAIN TO TAKE Q-96.
It has been a week since I started taking Q-96. After the initial 2 days fetting a little better, I felt bad again. But today, March 31, I felt a little better again. I hope that it lasts. After 3 weeks of taking Chromium Picolinate, I feel better. It is a fast acting treatment for atypical depression and I think it is a mood stabilizer as well. The good thing about chromium is that it doesn't have side affects at therapuetic levels. Lithium, which is also a mood stabilizer, has side affects and requires regular lab tests to be sure you don't get too much. That isn't necessary for chromium. July 15, 2015 - I tried just taking Chromium alone for a few weeks but it didn't seem to work, so I decided to try both Q-96 and Chromium together. I think they work together synergistically in such a way that together they are more than twice as effective than either one alone. I am going to look at my prayer journal, which is a record of my attempts at getting better by prayer and natural means and medical means and record with more precision my successes and failures. Hopefully, it will be more success oriented than faitures. I haven't achieved stabiliy for more than 2 days at a time. Hopefully, that will change and last longer this time. Time will tell. Meanwhile, I am going to start working towards being either a Natural Doctor (ND) or a Medical Doctor, (MD). I've lost a lot of years due to depression and it seems that it may be too late to achieve such a goal and I might as well be on disability for the rest of my life. However, I would rather try and fail than fail to try. Better late than never. I'm going home and tonight, I am going to write down my goals and try to figure out how I am going to achieve them. I am not going to let lack of energy stop me from obtaining my goals.
July 18, 2015 I feel really down today. It seems impossible that I will ever get better. I wish I could just die and put an end to my misery. In the last part of this book, I write, "Control The Illness, Don't Let The Illness Control You." That is easier said than done. My endeavors have all been in vain. I've prayed for years to no avail. I just can't seem to reach Heaven. I just don't know what to do. I've been taking Q-96 and Chromium for over a month with no lasting results. I have felt good for a day several times but it hasn't lasted. Just yesterday, I felt better in the evening but I woke up this morning feeling bad again. I'm faililng the test of mortal probation. I can't make it on my own, it seems. Unfortunatly, I can't seem to get the help that I need from God The Eternal Father and his Son Jesus Christ. I'm just going to hang on until death relieves me of this suffering. Perhaps if I am longsuffering enough, relief will come. Otherwise, I don't know what will become of me. To a very small degree, I feel like Jesus when he asked Heavenly Father, "Why hast thou forsaken me?" But I haven't suffered even 1% what he did. Perhaps, since I have not been consistent in my efforts, I haven't been able to get the Heavenly Help I so badly desire. I just don't know what to think. Jesus had to face his test alone on the cross. I will try to be like Him and endure my own cross until, like he did, I pass the test and death puts an end to my suffering just like it did for Him. I am glad that Jesus showed the way. He is the perfect example. I've been taking Q-96 for a number of months. I was starting to lose help. I added Chromium and Magnesium (Recommended by Catherine Dean in her book The Magnesium Miracle. I still didn't feel better after about 3 months on Chromium and 1 month on Magnesium. Then last week, on September 16, I was introduced to a supplement called MMF and since they gave me a 2 week supply for free, I added it to my regimen. Now, after a week and 2 days taking MMF, I feel better. If it lasts, I will start taking it from now on and the synergistic treatment for Bipolar Depression of Q-96, Chromium, Magnesium and MMF (Military Micronutrient Formulation) may be just the answer for a lasting result of stability.
October 20, 2015 After nearly 5 weeks of taking MMF for the 1st time, I have felt good for 2 consecutive days. I was told after 2 weeks of MMF that I needed to take only MMF, as Q-96 might interfere with the effects of MMF. So tomorrow, I will have taken MMF alone for 4 weeks and it really seems to be working. I was also told that some people who used to take Q-96 reported better results with MMF instead. Hopefully, I have finally found something that works!!!
October 28, 2015 After 5 weeks taking MMF, and a few days feeling very low in energy, about 30% of normal, I had another good day, about 70%. Hopefully this will continue.
January 12, 2016 I am discouraged. I don't know what to do. I have been taking MMF for over 3 months and haven't noticed long-lasting results. After promising to be virtuous, I have fallen to my sexual addiction once again. I'm going to start from scratch and if I am to die suffering from depression, at least I will do so morally clean. I've been failing miserably on my own and since for many years, I haven't been able to overcome mental illness, it seems that I never will until the next life. Nevertheless, I'm going to pray tonight for deliverance or guidance at least.
FINAL CHAPTER - CONTROL THE ILLNESS, DON'T LET THE ILLNESS CONTROL YOU, THE SKY'S THE LIMIT I.E. THE UNIVERSE
You don't have to let the Illness control you. You can control the Illness but not let the Illness control you. How do you do this? Among other things with Synergistic Medicine, Belief in The Lord Jesus Christ and in Your Heavenly Father and in The Holy Ghost. You can obtain forgiveness for your past through the Atonement of Christ. You can obtain help through Prayer to Your Heavenly Father in the Name of Jesus Christ. You can receive inspiration by meditating upon the scriptures through daily Scripture Study. This includes The Bible, The Book of Mormon, The Doctrine and Covenants, The Pearl of Great Price, The Manuals of the Teachings of The Presidents of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, The Conference Reports from General Conference (A Bi-Annual Event in The LDS Church of Jesus Christ, Also known as The Mormons due to our belief that The Book of Mormon is Another Testament of Jesus Christ as translated from The Golden Plates that Mormon and his son, The Angel Moroni, compiled from other Plates in their possession. You may see Which Ones by reading the Introductions to The Book of Mormon.), The Proclamation On The Family, The Living Christ, The First Presidency Message in the magazine The Ensign, etc